As much as it hurts, I'd actually been wanting to do this for almost a month. You have more strength than I do, but I've always known that.

I currently collect postcards. From anywhere. I don't care if it's Wichita Kansas or an art gallery downtown. If it's a postcard, it's going up on my wall. Whenever a friend of mine travels, I beg for postcards. I just collected about 30 postcards from art galleries downtown on an art walk... I used to be in postcard clubs (they fell through) so yeah, I don't care where they're from, I'll take 'em.

I used to collect key chains. When I was in high school, my key chains weighed more than my school books.

I tried to collect shot glasses at one time, but postcards are cheaper.

Knowing that she became really upset when I posted my pain, I asked her to take me off her lj friends list, to make sure she didn't get hurt, etc.

And now she's erased me from everything... LJ, FB, YIM, Twitter, aim, all of it...

Yep, she did it again... told me there's no hope and we're better off as friends.

At one point, I loved her so deeply that I would've done anything in my power to keep her, to make her happy, but after the world crashed down with the first e-mail, I'm done. She told me that nothing's changed, she still feels weird, so we're better off as friends. I simply said "Ok." I can't fight for someone who doesn't want me to fight for them. I can't sit there and make all the promises I intended to keep when she sits there and just thinks of herself. I give up, I'm over it, I'm done. I'll try to remain friends, but as one of my friends so aptly put it "friends don't fuck with your emotions so much."

So now, no, I won't be going to meet her next year when she visits the states. If she wants to meet me she can come to me. If she doesn't, then I suppose we'll see if we're still talking after I get on the cruise ship. If we are, we'll meet when I move to the UK, if we're not, as my boss says "she'll be a long forgotten memory by the time you move to the UK."

I may seem callous and bitchy right now, so forgive me, but for once I'm thinking of myself and my heart and not her- something she seems to be good at, since she's been thinking of herself and her heart since December. We reconciled and decided to give it another go a week ago. Knowing her primary issue was that the i love yous and so on had become too much, I laid off on all that, but nope, didn't help.

I'm not upset that she told me to be friends yesterday, I'm really not, because she told me straight up, over IM (which is as good as face to face in my books when she lives in London and I'm in the US). She didn't chicken out at all for once, which is why I said I'd attempt to be friends again.

But now it's a new day and I'm wondering how I can be friends when I loved her so deeply, when I couldn't imagine life without her in it... Now it's easy to...

Sadly, I know she's reading this, and I figure she's in tears, talking to her friends and they're all telling her the same shit my friends are telling me: "She's not worth it, don't waste you're tears, you're better off" etc. You know, the things all friends say to you in a break up.

I'm at the point of taking her off my lj and fb so that way I have my own places to vent my feelings, as I am now, without having to see her own "I'm in tears over her." You've broken up with me twice now, you're not allowed to cry over me.

The funny thing is when I told my boss we were back together, my boss said she was still going to make me date other people that were here, in Colorado, so I could touch them, fuck them... I told my boss no, because you meant more to me then that, that our relationship was about so much more and that I wouldn't bring myself to hurt you. Now, that's all I want to do... No, not hurt you, but find someone here that means nothing to me aside from the fact they're here.

I'm not good at relationships, never really have been. Relationships involve too much for me... I like to go out, but then I feel smothered. I like to be alone, but then I feel like you don't want to go out with me... I like to be touched, but then I feel like I don't have any space... I'm an idiot that way.

I suppose this is why I've been single for 4 years, why I thought you and I would work. The whole distance thing allowed me to feel like i was getting to know you, the real you, and you were getting to know the real me and that by the time I moved to the UK, everything would be fine and dandy, we'd be past all the awkward stages of dating (aside from the awkward stage of meeting, of course) and be able to just enjoy each other.

I suppose I should be thanking you, for not letting me get my hopes up too far, though, and for giving me a much needed reality check. Long distance relationships really don't work. At all... There's the basic human need to be loved and touched, and we lacked that. Given my past, I was okay with that....

I feel like i'm just rambling now. Suppose I'll try to sleep again.

So last night my mom and I went to First Fridays which is when the art galleries along Santa Fe Blvd. open and you get a chance to meet the artists who are showing in the gallery. My mom has a friend who's showing in one of the galleries so we made sure to stop by and see her works first. In 2 hours, we literally only made it a block... There's 4 blocks of galleries... SO my mom suggested that we make this a monthly thing, which I'm all for.

One of the galleries is actually a tattoo parlor. When we were walking past I was seeing a lot of Betty Paige wannabe's inside and told my mom (who's EXTREMELY conservative, hates tattoo's etc) that I wanted to go inside and she said yes, that it looked interesting. As we walked inside, we heard a small crowd cheering and glance over, and one of the betty paige's is spanking some rockabilly guy and he's screaming, "HARDER! HARDER!" I just laughed and was applauding and my mom quickly turned away. This girl then approaches me and grabs my arm and said, "You HAVE to see my eyebrow jewelry I design," so I follow her over to a showcase and she's telling me what she thinks would look good on me, etc. My mom, at this point, is feeling overwhelmed and tries to leave, but a marching band comes in and crams into every corner of the shop, barring her exit. The marching band had some really cool synthesized sounds and at one point, my mom's standing in this shop, clapping to what she thinks is the beat, lol. Eventually, they make way for her to leave and her whole attitude while leaving was "Get me the hell out of here!" Some of the people in the crowd thought she was cute and kept shouting, "Out of the way, let the mom through!!!" So I followed her out and into the next gallery. When I spoke to her about it today, she said yes, she felt overwhelmed, but she actually REALLY enjoyed the music- HUGE shock to me!

I was able to meet a couple of the artists, one who does Pottery and is from Nigeria. Another is taking his portraits on a European tour. I told mom that 9 times out of ten I can walk into the gallery and tell who the artists are, not by their name tags, but by the fact they're usually sulking in a corner, arms folded as they watch the crowd with a "I'm better than you peons" expression on their faces. That made my mom laugh.

Gathered lots of postcards, too, to add to my wall.

Took a lot of artsy photos for my facebook page as well...

The night was topped off with drinks at the Kona Grill with Amy and her friends Audrey and Laura. Nice to hang out with girls and laugh. At one point, Audrey pulled out her phone and showed me a picture of a cappuccino, with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles and said, "This is my sex picture." This made me laugh and I said, "Yep, I could orgasm to that any day!" I notice a girl from another table looking at us quizically so I stand up, grab the phone and walk over to her. I ignore the two guys she's with and asked, "Couldn't you just orgasm to this?" When the guys heard the O word, their eyes bulged and they nearly fell over in their chairs to see the picture which made the girl just laugh... It was pretty funny.

Drinks were topped off with Amy peeing outside next to her car... Good times!

My sister yesterday, in our coffee talk, apologized for the fact that I'm always being compared to her. Honestly, I'm not anymore... I think she has this preconceived notion that because I was such a slacker in high school and that my mom was always saying "Why can't you be more like your sister?" that my mom still does. I don't think she does, but maybe she does and I either don't notice or I ignore it now...

Anyway one thing that my mom's lorded over me since I was 14 was the fact that my sister was a college graduate and the road I was traveling would never get me to college.

Great pep talk, there...

But I finally did it, I'm a college graduate!

I mentioned this to my mom tonight and she said, "I just want you to be able to find something you want to do with your life... Get out and live, explore!"

It's funny... The last 10 years since high school, I've been barely surviving... It's amazing what one little piece of paper does to help validate you...

*shrugs* That's all today, really..

So, had a long discussion with the ex girlfriend yesterday on what would have been out 3 month anniversary and at the end of the day we decided to reconcile, so it was our three month anniversary after all *smiles* We discussed how things had been moving too fast for her comfort so I agreed that I could back off. For me, I like to hear I love you, and I like to let her know I love her, but at this point, until we meet, it's enough for me to simply know she does. If she gives me a periodical "I love you" then I'm fine. I can cool it off ;)

Finally finished all my classes and graduated school. Pretty pissed, though, as my diploma was spelled wrong and the director (who was my instructor for 6 months) mispronounced both my first and last name wrong. I think she was just trying to be a bitch... After all, she pronounced Kat Zibowkiszc right... My name's a lot easier... Karin Henninger...

Heard from Dillards on Saturday... I have the job, they're just waiting to hear from the district manager when they can start me. My current boss is anticipating me calling and saying "Hey, tomorrow's my last day" and she's planning for it accordingly.

Went out to Karaoke last night... Tons of fun even though I only got to sing 2 songs because the karaoke machine broke (NO! I was NOT the last person to sing, so it's NOT MY FAULT!!!! lol) The first song I sang was actually with Amy... She chose "Girls just wanna have fun" which unless you're Cyndi Lauper you're not gonna make that sound good (Sorry, Miley) and Amy was suddenly nervous as she took the stage so I was asked if she wanted me to sing wither and she said yes so I climbed up on stage... We were TERRIBLE and KJ kept chiming in to help us but he was just as bad, but it was still fun. I then sang "One song glory" from Rent, which is one I know I can do fairly well... I can get a little pitchy, but overall it's a good song for me to sing. I remembered something a friend of mine had said about finding a good KJ so they know when to fix the mikc so you're not struggling, so when I took the stage I told him I sang softly so he fixed it which made it sound better. When I got off the stage, a woman pulled me aside and told me I sounded AMAZING and said "I'd love to hear what you can do to Pat Benatar with pipes like those! Will you PLEASE sing a Pat Benatar song? She's my favorite!" In all my years doing Karaoke, I've NEVER had ANYONE ask me to sing something for them. I'm usually lucky to not get booed off the stage! SO it was huge to be asked to sing a request. The KJ even told me that I have a very "Unique sound" that he found refreshing and just told me to watch my pitch, which as stated above, I all ready know about.

My sister drug me out for coffee yesterday. She'd been kicked off of facebook and when she got back on facebook she caught up on my all my "post break up" status messages of being sad and everything and she wanted to do coffee because I "should never be sad alone and it makes her sad when I'm sad and don't tell her." So I told her exactly why I was sad, coming out to her about being gay, the break up, being back together, etc, and was told "I love you, I always will, nothing will ever change that. I support you, and I won't tell the parents, that's your business." So it was a good coffee chat ;)

She did, however, ask me to seek professional help because sometimes my friends and family are not adequate advice givers. I told her once I had benefits I would. She also asked me to research the difference between bi and lesbian because to her, being bi means you don't want to commit, you want the chance to backtrack and say "Nope, never mind, I'm straight again" and bisexuals also seek love anywhere they can get it. She doesn't want an answer now, as she wants to afford me the time to truly research it and let me discover who and what I am.

I think that's all for now *shrugs*

So, according to my boss, I'm supposed to be saying how wonderful it went, how awesome she was, that I had a fantastic time, blah blah blah.

But that would all be lies.

The entire time, I kept wishing she was you. And she's not. So now I've upset you and I'm even more miserable, sat here crying, pissed off because I know I made you cry.

Why is this so damn hard?

So my boss, being the wonderful woman she is, decided to set me up on a date tomorrow. This is the first face to face date I've been on since I was sexually assaulted, so needless to say I'm a bit nervous. The good news is that it's a lunch date and I have to work right after, so it will be short and hopefully sweet. We had originally talked about going for Ethiopian cuisine but reviews of that restaurant said service was slow, so we all ready have our second date planned, lol.

I just honestly hate blind dates, but I suppose we shall see...

All hail the rebound!

Someone at work asked about you, us yesterday. Without a word, tears started falling down my cheeks and I had to go to the break room, away from everyone.

This is killing me, just so you know.

Yep, this is perfect... I wouldn't have thought of this past week as grieving, but it's true...

Grief causes you to leave yourself. You step outside your narrow little pelt. And you can’t feel grief unless you’ve had love before it—grief is the final outcome of love, because it’s love lost…. It’s the cycle of love completed: to love, to lose, to feel grief, to leave, and then to love again. Jason, grief is awareness that you will have to be alone, and there is nothing beyond that because being alone is the ultimate final destiny of each individual living creature. That’s what death is, the great loneliness.”
— Ruth Rae, from the Philip K. Dick novel Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said

How do I say goodbye to someone I never really had? Why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine? Why is it I miss someone I was never really with? And why do I love someone whose love was never really mine?

“Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.”

First off, no, this isn't some Pink Ribbon "Save the tata's" post....

My sister emailed me today "Just to let you know, your nephew told me, quite out of the blue, that you've been showing off your boobies a lot lately." My nephew is 6, so of course this disturbs my sister...

That was the entire e-mail.

So I did a quick re-eval of everything I'd been wearing around him the last few times... One was a halter shirt that covers me up to my neck but shows off my shoulders, another is a long sleeve v-neck t-shirt (but not a deep v neck, mind you... no cleavage even shows), and my graduation dress- again, v-neck, but no cleavage (or at least very minimal... i didn't notice any cleavage when I looked in the mirror.) In November, I wore a scoop neck which shows minimal cleavage... Basically over the last 2-3 months, I haven't been falling out...

There was one shirt that I wore maybe back in October that was a DEEP v-neck... as in you have to wear the right bra or else it gets shown. I only ever wear that shirt to work.

Most of the time, if I wear a shirt that's vulgar, I'll wear a cami under it. Not that this helps, but I am a christian... to me, that means I lean towards modesty more so that "Hey, look at my fantastic boobs!" (40F... I like 'em, lol)

I do have a couple shirts that I adore that show off the ladies, such as my see through lace shirts (one black, one teal) I wear those with simply a bra under it if I'm going to the club with friends. The aforementioned deep V-neck, again, only at work... I really can't think of anything else I'd consider a "boobie" shirt (you know, the one that you wear when you want the girls to be seen...)

I don't know why this disturbs me, but it has, greatly in fact.

*sigh* I don't want to clean out my closet, I've worked hard for it!!!!

PLEASE... and advice?

Yes, it is FINALLY here!!!! Today is my graduation ceremony from Xenon International Academy!!! I can't believe how fast the last 18 months have flown by from being laid off, not knowing what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life, and stumbling upon cosmetology thanks to my sister. It still seems like yesterday I was enrolling in school, going to orientation, seeing everyone's shell shocked faces as we sized up the competition then slowly learned your classmates should become your best-friends because 10 years down the road, you still want them in you network.

I honestly didn't think I'd change a whole lot this year, but I'm sure my gf could tell you I have...

I started beauty school thinking "I suppose it'll be fun, and if I don't like it, I can go do what I really want" to forming a true, deep passion for the craft. Honestly, the first day of each new class, as we learned theory and everything, I kept thinking "I'll never know how to do this correctly, I'll never be good enough to do this the way an actual client wants me to!" but by the time I left, I felt damn good about what I knew how to do, and I knew that with what I know, and what I will continue to learn, I can do anything and make people happy.

I went from a "This is my style, fuck off if you don't like it" attitude to "Ok, so I have my own style, but I need to be able to make people believe I can do theirs as well."

I am no longer cocky, as I once was (cocky yet didn't believe I could it... not sure how, but I was both at the same time...)... School taught me that I will make mistakes, that clients will leave my chair upset, but that customer service and my personality will eventually win them over. I learned that I don't know everything, but if I discuss my problems with a colleague they can help me brainstorm to figure out what needs to be done.

I learned that even the craziest of people in school can become some of your closest friends.

Now for what I learned in school, but outside the tutelage of any instructor:

Drug addicts will always be drug addicts. Everyone will talk about them behind their backs until they seek help. Though you shouldn't enable them to continue their habit, you should at least make it obvious you know and call them out on it as often as possible. Eventually, they will have a drug-induced seizure and collapse in the locker room and they will need someone to catch them when they fall. Be there to catch them...

Don't criticize your team members. You don't know what kind of shit they are going through. If you're the only one who goes to every meeting and learns everything then do it to the best of your ability. Team means you help others, not you prove how good you are. You never know, the team leader might just recognize your efforts and give you a great job recommendation some day.

Always be professional. You never know who you're going to run into and what networking that person will provide. If you're at an industry show, put your best foot forward (and make sure it's not the drunken foot...)

Always seek more... More education, more advice, more networks, just more...

Be humble when you meet AMAZING artists! They want to see you succeed but if you're cocky, they won't give a damn what happens to you. Though, they will snicker when you fall flat on your face. Even though hairstylists love to gossip, they love to see others succeed as well, so show them you're worth helping. And remember to take their advice.

"Always live life in the front row... you'll never get noticed in the back." Take the advice offered by the professionals (and their autograph as well ;)

I think that's it for now... I will probably have more later after I get to reflect on the speeches tonight...

In memory of family and friends who have lost the battle with cancer; and in support of the ones who continue to conquer it! Post this on your LJ if you know someone who has or had cancer. 93% won't copy and paste this. Will you?

Ok, my niece and I collect postcards, but she was telling me today that she hasn't received any postcards in a long time.

So, I decided to come on here and beg all of you to send us (or her) some postcards, please!

If you feel like this is something you can handle, please e-mail me at warrior.chick516@gmail.com and I'll give you the address.

Thanks!

This Christmas is actually the first time in my life I've had a love to shop for. I actually had a lot fun fun picking out her gifts (I can't say what they are as she hasn't opened them yet and she reads my lj regularly, lol).

It was fairly easy because there was one thing we both agreed to buy each other, then the rest, I just paid attention to things she likes or needs in our conversations. I ended up hand making some of her gifts, so I just hope she likes them. If she hates the rest, I don't care, cuz that just cost money, but the handmade stuff took time, talent, and effort...


And now that I think of it, I think I left the pricetags on the gifts *crap* Not like I can just run to her place, take the gifts back, take off the tags, and rewrap them...

So yeah, heather, ignore the price tags please ;)

The persons I find hardto shop for are my parents and my sister. I always figure something out for my sister, but my parents always buy each other presents while they are there so they put on this huge surprise face like "How did you know I wanted THAT???" and when they open our presents, we get "Oh... ummm... thanks..."

Ok, this goes back to my high school days, but honestly, it's still how I picture being asked, and dammit, I hope it happens, lol.

So the Backstreet Boys had a song on their Black and Blue album called "Yes, I will." And yes, this plays a vital part....

I've always imagined walking into the shared apartment after a long day at work, hearing that song playing and seeing dinner prepared with a ring on my plate. No words are really needed as the song says it all...


I open my eyes, I see your face
I cannot hide, I can’t erase
The way you make me feel inside
You complete me girl, that’s why
Something about you makes me feel
Baby, my heart wants to reveal
I’m down on my knees, I’m askin' you
Say these three words I wanna hear from you

CHORUS

Yes I will
Take your hand and walk with you
Yes I will
Say these three words that promise to
Yes I will
Give you everything you need and someday
Start a family with you
Yes I will
Take your hand and walk with you
Yes I will
Baby, I promise you
Yes I will
Give you everything you need and someday
Start a family with you
Oh yeah, yes I will

This is no ordinary love
And I can never have enough
Of all the things you’ve given to me
You’re my heart, my soul, my everything
Every night, I thank you Lord
For giving me the strength to love her
More and more each day
I promise her as long as I hear those three words

CHORUS - repeat

I stand beside you in everything you do
Wherever you go, whatever you do
Baby, I’ll be there
As God is my witness, I will carry this through
‘Til death do us part, I promise to you…

CHORUS - repeat

I promise you that
Everthings gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
I, I, I, I...
I will......

So my sister called me to brag about the fact she found a used Magellan online for $100. I asked her why she'd get a used one when collectively, dad could get a brand new one and that I was sincerely upset over the fact she was basically shoving my present aside with the "I'll just get it for him." She said "Well he can use the gift card still on something else he wants, I just don't see what the big deal is" and I said "The big deal is you wouldn't have had a clue if I hadn't told you and I now feel jealous that what I got, specifically to go towards what he wants, will sit on a shelf for a year or two until he figures out what else to use it on." SO she said "Fine, I won't get it then, problem solved." I also personally felt as if she was flaunting how much money she has and that upset me as well.

But, I stood up for myself and hopefully, come christmas, he won't open up a Magellan. I doubt my brother in law would say get it anyway, but you never know...